A fantasy on the theme of: a conversation in the womb

How do we even begin to plan such a major life event as childbirth? Well, it’s all very different. I, for example, felt at some point that I’d been working too hard and it was time to rest. But how does it all happen in there? Let’s imagine, shall we?

“And again, one more,” thought the fallopian tube, quickly snatching up the egg and dropping it inside.

“Oh my, it turns out they’re already waiting for me here,” the egg said, smiling coyly. The tailed and very feisty sperm immediately rushed toward her and swarmed her from all sides. One turned out to be the fastest and made his way inside. That one was enough; after that, the egg cell thickened its membrane and immediately divided into two cells. And then into four, and again, and again. “Where are we going?” asked one of the cells—it’s very likely that in the future, it will become the brain. Soft and very delicate cilia pushed them deeper and deeper, and soon they landed on something soft.

“Brain, brain, wake up,” the Uterus said cautiously, “we’re pregnant.” Pregnancy, do you hear?

– Achtung, Achtung! We’re pregnant! Did everyone hear that? It’s a pregnancy!! Everyone get ready immediately; now we have to work for two. I appoint the Womb as my chief assistant. Heart!

– Yes, I’m already working here, already pumping faster.

– Stomach!

– And me, what about me? Whatever falls into me, stays there. Even if it’s a pregnancy.

– You’ve completely lost your conscience, greedy for everything, all for yourself and yourself, and what are we supposed to do with all this later, how are we supposed to clean it up? – the Liver and Kidneys fretted.

“She eats everything smoked, salty, and fried… By the way, a serving of alcohol has arrived.”

“Oh, and we’ve got some nicotine, Marlboro,” shouted the Lungs, the well-known experts on smoking.

“What Marlboro? Brain, does SHE know?” cried the Uterus.

“Oops, a glitch—we need to come up with something right now,” the Brain reacted, very flustered.

“Well then, let’s arrange it so that SHE suddenly starts being afraid of dogs.”

“It won’t work,” Eyes winked slyly, “she’s been crazy about dogs for ages, though… look, look, yay, she’s turning toward the pharmacy!”

“Maybe we’ll give her morning sickness for a month or two—or better yet, three—so she won’t be able to behave!” Stomach suggested.

“Ugh!”

– Something white and strangely powdery, – all the Eyes reported.

– It’s an airbag, phew, SHE finally thought to buckle up.

– Brain, what are you thinking! How can you decide to give her a hard time? And even if it wasn’t her fault this time! You have to be more careful! Status: pregnancy! – everyone shouted in unison.

A month later

Pregnancy in progress.

– Well, look at that! He’s kicking! :), – Belly smiled.

– What do you mean HE? It can’t be! SHE’s dreaming of a girl – Brain frowned

– Let someone ask her! – The Uterus gently touched the placenta.

Two months later

– Achtung, Attention! Potential danger of infection from a bad tooth!

– Brain, it’s four in the morning, the sweetest sleep! Let me sleep, – the Legs commented sleepily.

– No, we have to go to the emergency dental clinic! And urgently! – Brain insisted.

An hour later

And pregnancy again.

– Womb, they did give the anesthetic with adrenaline after all, – Heart reported.

– What can you do? We have to hang in there! – Womb sighed.

After… months

“Brain, it looks like our membranes are damaged; my water’s breaking,” the Uterus said guiltily.

“It’s not you; you really upset the Bladder, squeezed it so hard, and now it just can’t hold it in.”

“Brain, are you listening? They’re telling you—the water’s breaking!”

“Stop nitpicking. We have a doctor’s appointment in two days, and the baby’s due in a week and a half.”

“Brain, we don’t have any time at all!”

“Okay, calm down. We’ll call the doctor.”

1.5 hours later

It’s still a pregnancy.

– Well, here we are at the maternity ward, everyone’s calmed down—are you satisfied now? Pregnancy isn’t a simple thing. We’re wasting so much time.

– Brain, they tortured me here with an enema, – Intestine said very sheepishly and quietly.

– Brain, can you hear me? We’re giving birth! Oxytocin, come on, oxytocin! – the Uterus shouted excitedly

– Well, are you kidding me or what? Where am I supposed to get that right now? I’m telling you, another 1.5 weeks!

“Brain, get a move on, get it from wherever you want,” the Uterus kept repeating.

“Oh, it’s so scary—if dilation isn’t enough in two hours, they’ll cut me open! Oh, I’m so scared, so scared, so scared!”

“Brain, stop freaking out—they’ve set up an IV with Enzaprost,” the Heart said angrily.

“But you don’t understand anything! There’s just a little bit left, just an hour, and that’s it—they’ll cut me open!”

“Oh, come on, they’re not going to cut you open! Stop throwing a fit! The cervix has dilated, it’s dilated,” replied the Uterus. “Now give me the oxytocin.”

“I can’t! We don’t have any—where am I supposed to get it?!”

“Then,” the Mother said very angrily, “tell her to breathe, breathe, just like she was taught, and now work her muscles with all her might.”

“No! It’s happening too fast!” the Mother screamed, her eyes shut tight in horror…

“It’s happening!! He’s screaming!” the ears shouted excitedly.

“Hooray! We’ve given birth!” announced the Brain solemnly.

“But the delivery isn’t over for everyone yet,” moaned the Mother frantically, “Brain, hurry up and give the placenta some oxytocin.”

“Coming, coming,” replied the Heart phlegmatically.

“We gave birth—how did we do it? All by ourselves!” the Brain sobbed.

“Oh, come on! We’re not going to cry,” the Eyes protested.

“Oh, well, just look at HIM,” the Brain rejoiced.

“By the way, haven’t you forgotten something?” the Mammary Glands joined the conversation very modestly.

“Feed, feed, feed—we’ve got plenty of colostrum!” the Brain shouted with joy.

“But why isn’t he eating?” the Eyes said, bewildered.

“Eat, we have to feed him, feed him again,” the Brain screamed in horror for three days straight.

“Okay, okay, calm down now. He’s sucking, eating—look, he hasn’t let go for an hour.”

“And again, another one,” thought the fallopian tube, quickly snatching up an egg cell, though…

“No, no, don’t—we’re not ready yet!” everyone shouted in unison.

SHE picked HIM up: “Do you want a little sister, sunshine?”

You can read everything you need to know about preparing for pregnancy here.